The News

Yesterday was a roller coaster of emotions. I did have to have a c-section. The baby was still breached when I got to the hospital. My mom was on her way to come visit when I called to tell her my water had broke. She told me to tell the doctor to wait until she got there. Yeah right, mom. You are still 5 hours away! They placed the baby on my chest. He was so swollen! His poor little head was not so little because of the fluid! But he was so sweet when they placed him on me-all bundled up. I felt the sweetness behind his eyes--Not in the same way that I felt it with the others for some reason. The first thing I said was "Hmmm. That's weird. He really doesn't look like the others to me". I didn't mean anything by it except that the others were never swollen. They were all very petite. I gave him a kiss on his sweet little lips and they took him to NICU to check his lungs, and to get me cleaned up and out of the surgery room. I laid in my room, Shane at my side, waiting for the nurses to bring me the baby. A couple of hours passed and my doctor came into the room. He said words that I never in a million years dreamed any doctor would ever say to us. He told us that there was reason to believe that our baby boy has Down syndrome. I paused at the words. Shane and I looked at each other with a flood of question in our eyes, and then we refocused on the doctor. He told us that there was no reason to be really worried yet, but that they would need our consent to send off blood work to confirm their suspicions. The good news was that he was lacking a lot of the obvious physical characteristics of Down syndrome, such as the Simeon crease in his hands. My heart sunk, but at the same time I found comfort in knowing that it was only a concern and not a definite. There was no way he has Down syndrome. This doesn't happen to me. Right after he said those words, a pediatrician specialist walked in. She voiced her concerns and reasoning as to why she believed that he was. And then another doctor and another. My heart became heavier and heavier with each doctor's opinion. There was a hollow pit in my stomach. My head was spinning and I simply could not wrap my mind around the facts. I needed to see my baby. I needed to hold him and feel him. They couldn't release him from NICU yet, and I just had surgery to deliver the baby, and therefore was in no condition to move (they didn't know me very well!), but I needed reassurance, so I sent Shane down to see him. It seemed as though I was alone in my thoughts forever until Shane came back. What happened? How can this be? Why wasn't it caught sooner, and would I have wanted to know sooner? Was nursing him going to be weird? Yes...it would be weird; he can't possibly be my baby! How am I going to handle this? Shane walked in the room. I was so anxious to see what he had to say--what more did he find out. When I looked up, he was grinning from ear to ear. He must have heard good news. My fears dissapated for a moment... But instead of telling me that they were wrong, all he had to say was, "I don't care. He's my son and I love him anyway." Tears filled my eyes and I knew he was right. It is not that I loved him any differently, It is just not what had I planned. It is something totally different than what I ever imagined for him and for our family. I am a little shocked and a lot scared. We called our parents and told them the news. Both families are still a couple of hours from being here. They are concerned, of course. My mom's words were "Ohhhhh, no! Are you okay?" I told her I didn't know. After we hung up, my brother and grandpa (who were riding with her) asked what was going on. When she told them, my brother sat in silence for a minute and then replied, "It can't be. She is not the one who is supposed to have one like that. I am." You see, my brother has been an advocate for Down syndrome his whole life. He loves them and has many friends with Down syndrome. He will be Cobee's best friend. The results will not be here until Thurs. I can hardly wait...time is standing still as it is.